Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Driving Myself Insane

[I'm am NOT going back and looking at the last time I wrote something. I am not. It must be so long ago and the fact that I've neglected this poor blog for however long it is is very, very upsetting and so...I'm not going to find out. Anyway, the last thing I really wrote is this, the following. I never finished it. Written in late July.]

Isn't it amazing how much we can wind ourselves up? Up until about an hour ago I was having one of the most unpleasant days I can remember. It started out badly; Ramon and I moaned ourselves out of bed, blindly reached for the french press to make coffee and then - sin of sins - tried to sort out our schedules for the next two days before ingesting sufficient amounts of caffeine. Here's what we had facing us:

8-ish to 5:30-ish - work

6:00 party at Ramon's work (where I will meet all his artistic, bohemian, funny and terribly intelligent new co-workers - no pressure)

After the party - possibly have a couple over for wine and cheese

5:00am Saturday - get up and drive to Federal Way for one of Elizabeth's triathlons (no preparation required - besides extensive yawning and eye-rubbing)

10:00am-ish - birthday/post-Tri breakfast with Elizabeth, Nathan, and Oz (still hadn't bought a gift for Elizabeth)

Rest of the weekend - free as birds, Ramon and I

So. This morning. Pre-coffee. Still with me? We had to 1. buy something to eat for the party (my mind instantly seizes up with dissatisfaction because I prefer to make something for parties), 2. buy food and drink (different from what we bought for the party, naturally) for having the couple - who I don't know - over, 3. buy Elizabeth's gift (she would be horrified to part of the must-buy lineup and would prefer that I just forget about it, being the sweet person she is, but on this point I will not compromise). All in a small, small space of time - we're both over 30 now and sleep is not negotiable.

Anyway. We were both in Organize mode, both trying to keep things as easy for the other as possible (definitely a plus more than a minus in both our choices for life partner, but the trait - especially both of us having it - does get in the way when we're trying to bloody DO something), and it ended poorly. We were both confused, frustrated and went into our respective Bad Places: me chattering angrily like a very large, very pompous squirrel, and Ramon shutting completely down and looking grieved. God...

For the rest of the morning I was talkative (in the angry way - so great for the workplace) and petulant and succeeded in having at least 3 interactions with people - people that I like and admire very much - that made me feel guilty, crazed, and very, very lonely.

Crazed isn't the even the word, friends. I knew that my unsatisfactory conversations with people were my doing. On my bad, bad days (Not flat tire days. I mean my crazy, angry days. Like today.) every request is a profound irritation. Every sentence uttered by the other is a flattening commentary on my own deficiencies. I get really, really twitchy. They don't happen too often, but when they do I sit at my desk - my comfy, lovely desk surrounded by work that satisfies me - and fume about how insane I am and how I can't seem to get a handle on myself.

Enter my angelic Mum. She called for no other reason than that she was driving to a church camping trip - alone, since Dad was in the woods cutting firewood for the congregation - and feeling sleepy. Dear Momlies. Just a little talk with her reminded me that I'm a good person who loves her mother. I wish I could explain how much better that made me feel. It gave me a little light at the end of my tunnel - knowing that this insane state of mind isn't really me. Or at least it's not me in my normal state.

[Back to the present. The work day ended and I've had a month's worth of not-crazy work days since. The party after was wonderful - Ramon's co-workers liked me and I liked them. I also liked my first-ever glass-of-Crown-Royal-with-an-ice-cube very much. I bought something beautiful for Elizabeth and she loved it. And buying the beautiful thing, on my lunch break that horrid day, calmed me down more than anything else had. Good old retail therapy, right?

Thanks for reading, if you're still here after my interminable hiatus. More stuff to come...]


Anonymous el gato gordo said...

I used to drive myself insane until I no longer had a concept of self, so now, I can only drive other people batty!

9/04/2007 3:03 PM  
Blogger Charity said...

of COURSE Ramoon's people liked you, and of COURSE you bought a beautiful gift for Elizabeth.. didn't doubt you for a sec. Thanks for your kind words on my log Cerise. Much love.

9/05/2007 6:51 AM  

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