[backs away slowly]

Holy crap, so I got on this ol' blog to write a thing about Ramon, I'm looking around - just seeing what I wrote in the past on this gorgeous clunker - and found the following in the drafts. I had never posted it. So I read it and was all: "good god I'm glad I didn't publish it." It's furious, selfish, a TINY bit (a-a-n-nd by that I mean 'wildly') self-righteous and so very very far away from how I've been feeling lately. But then my je ne sais quos kicked in and I read it again and my lower brain shouted "FUCK YEAH" (it's right next to the 'what the hell' section) and...what the hell. It's so tempting to only put stuff up that's flattering and well-crafted. This is neither:

7/7/09

Fuck this world today, man. Fuck it. I'm so goddamned tired of being mad, crying, explaining, and most of all, SO FUCKING SICK OF NEVER GETTING TO SAY WHAT'S ON MY MIND. You know that thing, in the world, where you have to watch your tongue, use your words, don't name-call, put yourself in the other person's shoes? All of that? FUCK IT. Everyone has a day (I betcha) when they have to just turn their backs on all that loving, healthy pro-relationship crap and just say what they feel like saying. This is my day.

You know what I love about myself? I say shit. It's not always honest or well thought out or accurate or empirically valid or very nice at all, but Jesus Christ, at least words are coming out of my mouth that I really feel. At the time, I mean.

Hey, everybody has to watch their mouths. I should say, everybody would generally be better served to watch their mouths. Relationships thrive on people NOT vomiting their feelings on each other all the time. Mostly because feelings change, you gain perspective, tempers cool, but you can never unsay words. I get that. It's so true. I know there are people who know me who think I have no frontal lobe, so crazed are my words, but man...if you knew what isn't coming out, all the time. I must be the angriest, most selfish, meanest, most easily wounded motherfucker on the planet, since I'm currently taking inventory of what I'm not saying and that's the content. Pain. Isolation. Bitterness. Loneliness. Hatred. And, last but not least, complete contempt for...those who have currently come under the lava wave that is my wrath.

I've been around people lately, people I can't avoid, who spend a lot of their time not saying things to me. What I mean is, I'm intuitive enough to know that they're keeping words to themselves that they'd probably like to express to me. Withholding information I could really use, both to understand what's going on between us and to...shit, to just have SOMEONE say SOMETHING to me that's real, for the love of god. To have a little courage and connect with me.

Wheeee...