Wednesday, May 02, 2012

When Can I Stop Being Bipolar?

I can feel it, goddammit. I was in the light for so long this time I thought maybe I'd figured something great out, that I'd crossed a line and dancing and vitamin D and whatever else had lifted me up a little farther, for good - far enough that my eternal cycle between light and shadow had shallowed out, and I would be able to move at this faster pace, and lighter step, and brighter outlook between ups and downs without having to curl up in silence and weariness and sadness so completely. Ever again. Every cycle, a little farther up the hill. The meds, the therapy, all the tricks and cues, finally making me different, instead of only smoothing over the not-livable parts. No more having to make embarrassing excuses to myself, and people around me, about why I don't get out more, see them - don't I care? Don't I care enough about my friends to get out? Am I going to be stuck inside again, begging myself for enough effort to just....just put on your clothes and a little makeup, girl, and get onto the bus. Once you're on the bus, or have your feet on the sidewalk, the rest will take care of itself. Just show up. But when I'm in the shadow, I just can't seem to find enough reasons to leave my warm, stale-aired cave for noise, and faces, and people listening to me yammer and Thinking Things. And I'll see folk hurting, walking around with such pain on their faces that it will take me down too, and I'll think about my home, and my food in the fridge, and wonder what on earth *I* have to whine about.

It feels like I'm moving back into "I can't" again. And oh my god, these cycles ride ME. I don't have any other pills to take, or inspiring little mantras, and dancing last night...I ran out of steam 1 1/2 hours before we were done! No no no no NO NO...dancing is saving me, it's supposed to be making THE difference! Shit. I think I'm losing ground. And it's Spring and I ALWAYS get duped, every goddamned year! March and April? "Everything's different, this is going to be a GREAT year." And then later it'll all feel like a shiny dream I had.

Please just let this be fear talking, just a false alarm. A sore foot, off night, not enough sleep lately. My times in the light are always marred by the dread of the shadow that waits, and I can certainly scare myself enough to think I'm going dark again when I'm not. It's not real - I'm just reading too much news (WHY is everybody saying no and not yes to each other? What will we lose, WHAT?!), dwelling too much on the sorrow around me in this city (what, do I stop walking and take a cab to work every day? I'll stop seeing the sad man with the cardboard sign, and the old lady with too many garbage bags for her cart, and the tired fat lady dragging her O2 behind her, and the too-young kids sleeping in a puppy pile under a tree in the park, trying to keep out of the rain, and and and and...), getting too angry at the same bullshit. I'm not helpless. I tend to catastrophize. This is probably just a melancholy few days. Probably just a few down days.

I've been racing around gobbling up as much life as I can, because I can! and I've felt astounded at the schedule I've been keeping, at the amount of people I can interact with without costing myself anything. I've been extroverted! I've been Going Places and Doing Things. I've been so...I've actually found myself TORN between dancing with this group or the other on a certain day, think of it! I have a thing to do, so I get up and get ready and go there, no vacillating, no bargaining, no whingeing battle of weighing the pros and cons of staying put and feeling shitty or dragging myself out and maybe (probably) reaping rewards, while knowing that I'll stay where I am and curse myself for laziness regardless. It's been heaven. I've been so fucking happy. I haven't felt like a failure, or a waste, or neglectful, or lazy, or powerless, in weeks and weeks. It's okay. I knew that I wouldn't be able to go this all-out forever, that I'd have to steady a little and find medium ground and go from there. I tried to pace myself. Maybe I just have to level off, but I won't be lost again, not so thoroughly gone, and for so long. Not so long this time. Not so quiet, not so low. Please.

i can't lose this i can't face another quit i just ordered a SWORD for fuck's sake this can't be happening i'm not ready to be sad and tired again please please please let me stay in the light please the flowers just got going and I've begun new things and met new friends please don't let this slide away don't let me lose them don't let me slip away please. Please.


Blogger Chrissy said...

Keep focusing on the things that are right, Sister. Don't panic over setbacks. I'm so happy for your successes!

5/02/2012 7:50 PM  
Blogger Buttercup said...

Oh my dear...I hope this isn't as deep a descent as you fear. If it is, I'm here. You have a tough road to travel an bear it with more heart and grace than you realize. I love you so very much.

5/03/2012 1:57 PM  

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